So you made it to December. What a year it has been. There are thanks to be given, and a whole lot of other things to look at with hindsight that more often serves us with a bit too much dose of regrets than we intended in the first place.

So what has it been for me? 2009 began with me never giving things as much thought as I should have. “Things.” Such a word, such a word. And now the year has come and passed.

But really, who ever thought that the year would unfold as it had?

Regrets: I have too much of that to dwell upon them.

Rejoicings: There are enough to color the world for me. On these, I guess I should dwell upon.

First, on my work. I began teaching in UP Manila last 2007, November. Teaching here has been a fulfillment of a dream of mine, to teach in UP. I haven’t really thanked the people who gave me a chance to do so. Let me take this time to do so. The PGU people and the DPSM will always be a special part of my professional life. Thanks for taking a chance on me. I hope I have not caused too much of a headache with my aloofness and silence. I was simply too intimidated working with you all.

Second, to my students. I think the most important thing you will realize as you grow older is that your teachers simply did their best with the situations they were handed with. If you were frustrated at times with how we handled the courses we taught, remember that we too are frustrated with our own failiures. And as you were delighted with a few of the lessons that resonated so much with you, remember that we too share with that joy of discovery, seeing you take flight with the ideas we wanted so much to share. There are times I would like to take back, and days i wanted to last forever. I learned so much from you as I worked with you, and as you realize that you can reach higher heights than I ever did, I hope you realize as well that we never resent this. In fact, the student should always strive to beome better than the mentor. It is through this that konwledge grows, that progress is made. And better minds take over the world that we leave behind. Thanks for the lessons learned, the friendships forged, the journey shared, even if it was only a few months. Keep reaching for the stars.

Third, to my friends. Friends. What a word it is. Some of you I only see very rarely. A few of you I get to see more often than flies. (Incidentally, I have been interacting with flies quite rarely the past few years… global warming effect?) But I am always grateful for each and everyone of you. Thanks for choosing to share those few steps with me on this cliche of a journey they call life. Well, I call it life too. But you know what? I think the most fascinating about it is that when we do get to meet, however rarely it is, somehow, it’s like it was only yesterday that we last saw each other. Oh, I understand that I too have lost a few friends along the way. And gained a few more as well. It’s quite hard, sometimes, to let go of friends. I always want to bring them back. Some have become strangers; I have learned not to resent this. Time sometimes is a distance more difficult to bridge than miles. But please remember that I owe a lot of who I am because of you, and for that, I will always be thankful. I think I can stand in front of the Author of this Universe and not be ashamed to name you as my friends. I hope that someday I too can earn the same from you. It’s still a work in progress, I have to say. But if you wait long enough, I promise to shine, scars and all.

Fourth, to my family. I am always glad to be part of this family of ours. So much has happened the past few years, but if there’s one thing that I learned as the years roll on, is that how great a family I have blessed with. Oh, we are not perfect, but there’s something unique in how we support each other. To my aunts and uncles, thanks for those times. Thanks for the examples you set for us. To my cousins, I hope as you grow older you will come to appreciate being part of this faily as much as we have. I cannot imagine being born to another family. Well, honestly, I can. But i would never choose to be born into another, given that chance. It just would not be the same. I would not exchange this adventure for another. I hope I can also make you proud.

So on this holiday season, let me give my greetings as well, however late this is. I could not do it throught text, it’s too long to do so.

But let me do so by telling you how I feel about the season. As a scientist, I have grown to realize that faith is as much part of science as objectivity. That there are things in this universe only faith can prove, I know for a fact. Sometimes, it becomes a debate over trivialities. I have never seen an electron, but I know it exists. Nor have I seen any of the subatomic particles. Only the traces that they leave behind that tell us that they do exist. I find I do not have the mathematical aptitude to prove every mathematical and physical equations. But I read the accounts of those who do, the books and articles left behind by those who did. And I know that if I work and study long enough, following their footsteps, that i too will someday gain enough skill to prove them on my own. But for now, I can take their word for the things I have no capability to do on my own. Truth is truth, whether we can satisfy their veracity on our own or we have to rely on others. And we can feel the satisfaction upon learning them because it will resonate with us, because it works. “I know the mathematics is correct, because when I use them, I get the predicted results.” Thus once said one of the geniuses of the 20th century. As with science, so I also say regarding faith.

I know that what the carols sing about actually happened. I was not there to see it for myself. None of us who were born in our time did. But because it happened, we commemorate it. We commemorate it because of the promise that that event gives to those who believe. But more than that, we commemorate it because it is true. Somebody WAS sent down to be born in the lowliest circustances so HE can rise above all things. And He was sent because nobody else can do that which He must do to open the gate that is shut to everyone. The gate to life. Life. Some would contend that it is too preposterous to be true. I counter that just beause I cannot prove it does not necessarily mean nobody can. I believe because I can feel its truth when I read the acounts of those who know. And someday, if I keep studying and learning, I too can know it for myself.

That for me is the reason that we say Merry Christmas. Merry … Happy… Joyful.

So… Merry Christmas, everyone! And a Happy New Year to all.

that the rainbow actually is,
because my eyes behold it.

that the stars at night really are,
because i see them.

that the clouds swirl and tumble in the sky,
and the breeze.

they are,
but they are not what keeps me.

i see a rainbow, but no,
i see a pot of gold waiting for me!
i see a star, but no;
i see a wish come true!
i see the clouds, but no;
i see me free, i see joy!

because
what keeps me dreaming
is that each melody
beckoning me,
is your voice,
each syllable smiling in celestial promise.

there comes a time
when we all learn the art
of letting go…

and when we do,
the pain…

the spring has brought you welcome news:
that flowers bloom again,
and that the tulips you once thought
were gone,
are showing themselves in resplendent hues
once more…

the cold has slowly melted away,
and their lingering traces,
those filigrees of ice,
are no more,
and all the white
are swallowed now in greens,
reds and yellows and blues
singing with the birds…

it is now a little easier
taking the short walk
from the porch to the car,
and leaving the house allows you
to bathe in the colors of spring,
and the warmth suffuses you,
giving you some new-found strength
that slept for a season…

you look at the sky,
and see the birds returning
from their long estrangement
of their nests….

they make you smile
as you look forward
for a similar return
of feet tracing their own feet home,
as summer arrives.

i could almost taste
the tang of the salty air,
and feel the water’s foamy embrace,
the grit of sand beneath my feet,
and the sun upon my face…

seeing your smile
takes me there, too.

and it’s like
i am feasting my eyes upon the vista,
basking under the same sky,
away from the tumult and the noise,
and i can imagine
gazing at shoals and reefs,
swimming with brightly-colored schools,
and combing the beaches
for seashells, with you.

you have left, though,
and my feet,
they burn against the city street,
and i swim again,
in the ebbs and flows of a harsher ocean,
less salty, but less sweet.

but every night brings me back
your smile and your stories…
and remembering you,
brings me back there, too.

i was
in an understated…
reverie
(all right, madness, more likely),
punching buttons
left and right,
playing a tuneless keyboard,
when like a whim,
a passing program
caught my eye,
telling me, urging me
to save,
and so,
groping for an empty space
in my C,
i overwrote your file,
and a button more
wiped it clean
off my hard drive;
but the program new
was not as catching
as i first thought
(besides, it won’t allow my scan!),
and so,
sorry for this mad mistake,
it wont happen again.
i have removed that fancy file,
and here,
look,
i have undeleted you
from my heart.

——

this is an updated version of a long-ago verse. i wanted to see if i could create a poem from such an awkward word as “undelete,” and well, this was the result… (original version was written around 1995)

there are places that seem innocent,
time and meanings, that seem like nothing,
like, who ever thought
that forever could hinge
on such a simple act
as when david chose to cool himself
upon that rooftop,
and bathsheba choosing that moment
to bathe herself…

we have grown accustomed
to pushing our limits,
extending our boundaries…
from babel to titanic,
challenging the heavens,
shattering ourselves upon its walls…

until the final commission,
all crossroads are harmless,
but what moth could resist
the tease of the flame,
and what iron bar thinks not
that it could take one step further
and still stay free from a magnet’s clutch?

crossroads have always been
the birthplace
of heroes, and of villains…

so…
which am i?
and which are you?

counting the stars,
resplendent in that purple blanket,
indigo intangible,
somehow i miss one constellation,
trackless it leaves me
yearning for that once-was-constantly.

deeper the night embraces me
in its blanket of mist
mingled with cicada dirges,
apostrophe of soul,
yet leaving me in spiritual tears,
aching for one familiar smile.

threnodies are my sole concertos,
absence my line partner in the waltz
dying with the night;
invisible, the wounds stay, indelible,
for even as the songbirds welcome the dawn,
always i shall be longing for your name.

—-
written in batac, ilocos norte, way back 2001

maybe you thought,
that friendships don’t last.
people are fickle,
and feelings fade fast.

maybe you thought
that friends are unreal,
they hurt you and broke you,
and now you can’t feel.

maybe it’s true,
all these and much more,
but friends are just people,
imperfect, unsure.

maybe someday,
we’ll all understand;
for now they’re just human,
so please don’t demand.

The dawnbreak brings with it
The scent of promise,
And opening the drapes,
The pink horizon
Begins to blue and yellow,
And the peaks and the plains,
Put on their browns and greens,
And their beads of silver prisms,
Rainbowing the grass in silence.

The opening of windows bring
The caress of sessery,
Heightening the senses
To the beauty
Taken for granted for too long,
And memories flood the being,
Bringing with it
The laughter of lessons learned,
The pain rescinded
To the background where it belongs –
Where the night shadows
Are now but a memory,
As a new day begins again.

——

another attempt at optimism and new beginnings…. may we never cease to hope….