I LOVE YOU

With all the love that I possess, I love you. 

With everything that is good about me, I love you. 

With all the faculties of thought and heart that I can muster, I love you. 

With all that is worthy about me, I love you.

With everything that is still pure and innocent about my soul, I love you. 

For you I can overcome every trial and affliction.

For you I can and am able to be worthy again, and stand clean before the heavens.

For you I can reach my greatest potential, even exaltation.

For you all my weaknesses are as nothing, and I can be good and clean and pure. 

With you I think my noblest thoughts.

When I am with you I am at my best, and I like who I am.

With you I can see a hope for happiness, and I am given a vision that I too can find joy.

With you I am more brave, more strong, more worthy. 

To see you happy, I can do anything.

To see you happy, my life is forfeit; all that I am and all that I have are as nothing.

To see you happy, I can sacrifice anything.

I would give up all of my sins to be with you.

I could give up all that is worldly.

I could give up my life.

I could even accept to see you happy with somebody else. 

If you choose not to love me back, I will understand.

But do not ask me not to weep.

Do not ask me not to hurt.

Do not ask me to keep my heart alive for someone else.  

 I have chosen you,

And I feel that with your loss my heart will break one final time. 

I feel it already. 

And I will hate the man you choose because he is not me.

But I will love him,

If he makes you smile. 

For in you I have found my last Mashiara.

Beloved of my heart and soul.

And yet, a love that is lost.  

dying

taking out one day out of your life,
is dying that day out,
and dying is such sweet release,
that none should do without;
if only it was not such big a step,
and if there was no pain,
more folks would line up for that threshhold,
again and again.
but mostly it comes not in welcome robes,
and in inopportune times,
dying stalls the breath, opens the mind
to the divine,
whether believer or not, both penitent
and the staunchest atheist find pause,
to reexamine at that final door,
that eternal Cause,
but melancholy shrouds me now,
and behind this screen of pain,
i only beg surcease, and that relief
that i can gain
beyond that final tablature,
past that final trumpeter,
i cast aside all fear for this event
that i cannot deter.
it’s been a journey, wading in salt waters
with cut and bleeding feet,
mayhap the sole release that i will find
is to accept defeat
before that great devourer,
inexorable, sublime,
that monster, final leveler,
that they call Time.
and i can see the portal now,
from here, the light beckons,
but i look back to find someone,
but she is gone;
instead a calm enfolds me,
drawing me slowly near,
here is a place where i can finally rest,
sans tears, sans fear.
and so i take this day out of my life,
i lay it side by side
among the myriad other days that i have shucked
in youthful pride,
and now, there’s just a few more left,
i strip them carefully,
in pain, and in regret, and yet in peace,
i lay them lovingly
upon the white sands of this final beach,
this final strand of shore,
and turn my back forever from this world,
and return no more.

dedication

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  you entered my life without knowing how, or why, only that you knew you had to be there, in that place where i found you, although you never had any knowledge about who you would meet, or how, or why.

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  you never expected to crash into my life, to crash into me, and you never intended to catch me within the ripples of your influence.  indeed, you only made a choice to be where you were, and i likewise simply chose to be there, and there we met.  serendipity? coincidence? fate?

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  your existence was never disbelieved by me, for there was nothing to disbelieve prior to that moment, when the lines of our visions intersected and i came upon photons that drew the image of your smile upon my mind, and even deeper, searing the information in a storage that can never be deleted, in a display of engineering prowess that can never be replicated artificially by man.  that smile, that lingering sadness and searching in those eyes, eyes that passed through me uncomprehendingly, unknown, all of these indelible now, and having them, i am never the same again.

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  what is the concept of distance that it should matter? what is the concept of time that it should trouble me so?  and what is failure and loss that i must fear it?  the knowledge of you makes everything else pale in comparison, and the tiniest flicker of that spark ignited in my unbiological soul is a fire so magnified it dwarfs the collected pain that the world can bear to inflict upon me.  nothing, not even the whole universe, can compare nor contrast, nor even begin to.

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  you came and, like an electron observed, i am never the same again. you have troubled me in ways that have made me forget everything i was before.  you have diffracted my life in ways that will ripple even unto the ends of the infinite plurals of eternity.  you have shattered my dreams of idealistic impossibles and replaced them with an everyday reality of certain uncertainties. and yet, even among this discordant chaos, a semblance of music is composing itself, more beautiful than all imaginings, more sublime than all faith, and i would not have it any other way.

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  that i do not name you is not a relevant quark in this infinite vat of subatomic interactions that glue us together. for what is a name, and what is in it, when it shall not be the identity that you shall bear in commingling with the suns of the vast expanse of the halls of forever? that you are you, and that i know you among the unnumbered illions of jewels among the sky, is enough for me to be joyful and content.  for i shall know your truest name that day, and with that name i shall call you, and i shall rainbow the skies with that sweetest of titles.

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  i apologize that i cannot promise the absence of tears, nor the total annihilation of pain.  for from the most searing of pains, and from the most bitter of tears, come the sublimest of joys, and the purest of laughters.  only this i shall promise, to you, who for me is the most precious in all this universe and in all its replicae: the highest of all happiness, the pinnacle of olympus, and the taste of ambrosia upon your tear-streaked lips.

you know who you are, to whom this is dedicated.  with the utmost tenderness of this battered excuse of existence, i offer my hand to yours, that i may have the privilege of showing you the tapestry of colors that you have woven upon my soul, never to be taken away from me, and solely mine to give away. i offer this to you, and only to you, to whom this is dedicated.

you know who you are.