A veces sangras como pétalos rosados

A veces sangras como pétalos rosados,
como pétalos que caen al inicio de la lluvia,
sacudidos con el temblor del viento,
estremecidos con la llovizna,
y qué frías tus lágrimas, qué desabridas, qué ajenas…

Vengo adelante pero tú me apartas a un lado,
vengo adelante pero me mandas lejos,
tu silencio se torna como rosas que pinchan mis dedos,
qué fríos son los arroyos de rojo que haces fluir,
y símbolos sobre símbolos se desploman a través de mi cabeza
como el olor cobrizo me abruma,
y las líneas en mi palma se convierten en un mapa carmesí…

Permanecemos apartados a una distancia impenetrable…

Parada a un brazo de distancia de mí,
intentas alejarte pero te sigo el paso,
intento complementar tu indiferencia olvidadiza de mi presencia
con mi atención más devota hacia ti…

Deseo haber sabido cómo acercarme a tu torre de marfil,
cómo perseguir a lo lejos las telarañas invisibles que te rodean,
pero no, saltas repugnada contra mis brazos extendidos,
ves mis manos como serpientes invasoras: maldad, garras,
y yo me acobardo ante la visión de tu miedo a mi tacto…

Pero como los pétalos rosados que tuercen en espiral hacia abajo en su caída,
todavía me sostienes con cuerdas invisibles
que refuerzan mi resolución y me haces regresar
para arrodillarme una vez más en la súplica,
un caballero errante antes de su santo grial…

Incluso si me destrozas en mil pétalos,
todavía alegre aceptaría el destino,
porque sé que la lluvia me justifica,
y algún día te percatarás
que este caballero no había sido nada sino puro antes de ti.

Spanish translation of “Sometimes You Bleed Like Pink Petals”

Translated by Yvonne Alcazar (4/8/08)

who shall call us to account?

who shall call us to account?

the earth groans beneath our feet,
the air grows thick with fumes,
and time…

what tales shall time tell of us, i wonder…
“they reached for the stars
and burned their palms”?
but my cell phone rings,
and this instant reverie is swallowed
with the last gulp, the thrown-away bottle,
and I join the throng of indifferent atoms…
never mind tomorrow.

at one

justice! cried law,
for otherwise is chaos,
and order must be upheld,
and laws eternal be obeyed.

mercy! cried man,
for otherwise is impossible,
the flesh is weaker than expected,
and perfection in this plane, untenable.

the universe counseled together,
and championed justice;
no star, nor galaxy,
ever erred, they declared.
how claim you exemption, mortal?

the intelligences counseled together,
and pled mercy;
there cannot be justice unbending,
for that, itself, is a contradiction,
and is not justice.

and so the two camps warred,
each claiming right,
each claiming true…

and as they did,
a Light appeared where they met,
encompassing the din with a soft song,
and silencing the noise.

justice, the gentle voice rang clear,
and mercy,
can coexist, through Me.

and so it was,
with one hand justice was satisfied,
and with the other mercy was meted;
and law, and man,
were made to be
at one.

A Belated Christmas Greeting

So you made it to December. What a year it has been. There are thanks to be given, and a whole lot of other things to look at with hindsight that more often serves us with a bit too much dose of regrets than we intended in the first place.

So what has it been for me? 2009 began with me never giving things as much thought as I should have. “Things.” Such a word, such a word. And now the year has come and passed.

But really, who ever thought that the year would unfold as it had?

Regrets: I have too much of that to dwell upon them.

Rejoicings: There are enough to color the world for me. On these, I guess I should dwell upon.

First, on my work. I began teaching in UP Manila last 2007, November. Teaching here has been a fulfillment of a dream of mine, to teach in UP. I haven’t really thanked the people who gave me a chance to do so. Let me take this time to do so. The PGU people and the DPSM will always be a special part of my professional life. Thanks for taking a chance on me. I hope I have not caused too much of a headache with my aloofness and silence. I was simply too intimidated working with you all.

Second, to my students. I think the most important thing you will realize as you grow older is that your teachers simply did their best with the situations they were handed with. If you were frustrated at times with how we handled the courses we taught, remember that we too are frustrated with our own failiures. And as you were delighted with a few of the lessons that resonated so much with you, remember that we too share with that joy of discovery, seeing you take flight with the ideas we wanted so much to share. There are times I would like to take back, and days i wanted to last forever. I learned so much from you as I worked with you, and as you realize that you can reach higher heights than I ever did, I hope you realize as well that we never resent this. In fact, the student should always strive to beome better than the mentor. It is through this that konwledge grows, that progress is made. And better minds take over the world that we leave behind. Thanks for the lessons learned, the friendships forged, the journey shared, even if it was only a few months. Keep reaching for the stars.

Third, to my friends. Friends. What a word it is. Some of you I only see very rarely. A few of you I get to see more often than flies. (Incidentally, I have been interacting with flies quite rarely the past few years… global warming effect?) But I am always grateful for each and everyone of you. Thanks for choosing to share those few steps with me on this cliche of a journey they call life. Well, I call it life too. But you know what? I think the most fascinating about it is that when we do get to meet, however rarely it is, somehow, it’s like it was only yesterday that we last saw each other. Oh, I understand that I too have lost a few friends along the way. And gained a few more as well. It’s quite hard, sometimes, to let go of friends. I always want to bring them back. Some have become strangers; I have learned not to resent this. Time sometimes is a distance more difficult to bridge than miles. But please remember that I owe a lot of who I am because of you, and for that, I will always be thankful. I think I can stand in front of the Author of this Universe and not be ashamed to name you as my friends. I hope that someday I too can earn the same from you. It’s still a work in progress, I have to say. But if you wait long enough, I promise to shine, scars and all.

Fourth, to my family. I am always glad to be part of this family of ours. So much has happened the past few years, but if there’s one thing that I learned as the years roll on, is that how great a family I have blessed with. Oh, we are not perfect, but there’s something unique in how we support each other. To my aunts and uncles, thanks for those times. Thanks for the examples you set for us. To my cousins, I hope as you grow older you will come to appreciate being part of this faily as much as we have. I cannot imagine being born to another family. Well, honestly, I can. But i would never choose to be born into another, given that chance. It just would not be the same. I would not exchange this adventure for another. I hope I can also make you proud.

So on this holiday season, let me give my greetings as well, however late this is. I could not do it throught text, it’s too long to do so.

But let me do so by telling you how I feel about the season. As a scientist, I have grown to realize that faith is as much part of science as objectivity. That there are things in this universe only faith can prove, I know for a fact. Sometimes, it becomes a debate over trivialities. I have never seen an electron, but I know it exists. Nor have I seen any of the subatomic particles. Only the traces that they leave behind that tell us that they do exist. I find I do not have the mathematical aptitude to prove every mathematical and physical equations. But I read the accounts of those who do, the books and articles left behind by those who did. And I know that if I work and study long enough, following their footsteps, that i too will someday gain enough skill to prove them on my own. But for now, I can take their word for the things I have no capability to do on my own. Truth is truth, whether we can satisfy their veracity on our own or we have to rely on others. And we can feel the satisfaction upon learning them because it will resonate with us, because it works. “I know the mathematics is correct, because when I use them, I get the predicted results.” Thus once said one of the geniuses of the 20th century. As with science, so I also say regarding faith.

I know that what the carols sing about actually happened. I was not there to see it for myself. None of us who were born in our time did. But because it happened, we commemorate it. We commemorate it because of the promise that that event gives to those who believe. But more than that, we commemorate it because it is true. Somebody WAS sent down to be born in the lowliest circustances so HE can rise above all things. And He was sent because nobody else can do that which He must do to open the gate that is shut to everyone. The gate to life. Life. Some would contend that it is too preposterous to be true. I counter that just beause I cannot prove it does not necessarily mean nobody can. I believe because I can feel its truth when I read the acounts of those who know. And someday, if I keep studying and learning, I too can know it for myself.

That for me is the reason that we say Merry Christmas. Merry … Happy… Joyful.

So… Merry Christmas, everyone! And a Happy New Year to all.

what keeps me dreaming

that the rainbow actually is,
because my eyes behold it.

that the stars at night really are,
because i see them.

that the clouds swirl and tumble in the sky,
and the breeze.

they are,
but they are not what keeps me.

i see a rainbow, but no,
i see a pot of gold waiting for me!
i see a star, but no;
i see a wish come true!
i see the clouds, but no;
i see me free, i see joy!

what keeps me dreaming
is that each melody
beckoning me,
is your voice,
each syllable smiling in celestial promise.